When it comes to trauma, a thought we hear a lot in our office is, "Others had it worse, and they’re fine so why am I struggling?" This thought is so filled with shame, guilt and self-doubt, that it ultimately prevents folks from seeking help or healing deeply.
The truth is, trauma affects everyone differently, and comparing our experiences to others can undermine our healing process. In this blog, we'll explore why your trauma is still valid, even if others have had it worse, why it's essential to acknowledge and address your experiences without comparison AND we’ll share an easy tool that you can use to help you manage this thought when it comes up.
Understanding That Trauma Affects Everyone Differently
Trauma is a deeply personal experience. What might be a small incident for one person could be catastrophic for another. This doesn't make anyone's trauma less real or less valid; it simply highlights that trauma is not about the event itself but about how our minds and bodies respond to it.
Think of trauma as a wound. A paper cut might be a minor inconvenience to one person, but for someone with hemophilia, it could be life-threatening. It all depends who YOU are and what you’ve been through.
Let's explore some of the reasons that trauma may impact you differently than it would impact the next person. Factors to consider include:
Past Experiences: Previous trauma can make us more vulnerable to new traumatic experiences. Using our paper cut analogy, someone who has a current paper cut and then gets cut in the same spot again is going to have a bigger wound than someone who was just cut the one time.
Support Systems: A lot of research shows that the impact of trauma is based on whether you had support after the trauma or not. If you do, it’s like someone helps put on a bandage after the paper cut happens. If you don't have support, it's like a bandage never gets put on and now we risk infection, or getting cut a second time. (more on this one below)
Personal Resilience: Likely due to a combination of your genes and how you were raised, some people are better able to cope in the face of adversity. Following our analogy, it's like some people are born or taught how to put on a bandage, and some aren’t. Your trauma may be impacting you more because you were never taught how to put on a bandage.
Context and Meaning: The context in which trauma occurs and the meaning it has to us can impact the intensity of the trauma. For example, if your paper cut is a total accident, it will have a different impact than if someone held you down and cut you on purpose. While the wound might look the same, how it happened will change how traumatic it is.
This is why it's important to remember that trauma is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Just because someone else might have gone through something "worse" doesn't mean your pain and suffering are any less significant.
Trauma is not about the event itself but about how our minds and bodies respond to it
The Biggest Determinant of Trauma Impact: Post-Trauma Care
One of the most critical factors in determining the long-term impact of trauma is the care and support we receive afterward. Research has consistently shown that the presence or absence of supportive relationships after the event can greatly impact our recovery.
In psychology, this is often referred to as "protective factors." These are elements that help shield us from the full brunt of trauma's impact. Protective factors can include:
Supportive Relationships: Having someone to talk to, whether it's a friend, family member, or therapist, can make a world of difference.
Access to Resources: Being able to access mental health care, safe housing, and financial support can stabilize our lives and reduce the trauma's impact.
Coping Mechanisms: Knowing healthy ways to cope with stress, such as mindfulness, exercise, or creative expression, can help us process and release trauma. If you happen to know these at the time of the trauma, it will likely have less of an impact on you versus having to learn them after the trauma happened.
Conversely, the lack of these protective factors can exacerbate the effects of trauma. For example, a person who experiences trauma but lacks a support system might feel isolated and overwhelmed, increasing the likelihood of long-term struggles. In contrast, someone with extensive post-trauma support might navigate their healing journey more easily.
Understanding this helps shifts the focus from the trauma itself to the importance of what happens afterward. Two people can experience the same event, but their outcomes may be vastly different based on the care and support they receive.
The Harmful Trap of Comparing Suffering
One of the most damaging things we can do to ourselves after experiencing trauma is to compare our suffering to others. This often leads to minimizing our own experiences, which can prevent us from acknowledging our pain and seeking the help we need.
Comparison can manifest in thoughts like:
"My trauma wasn't as bad as theirs, so I shouldn't complain."
"Other people have been through worse, so I don't deserve to feel this way."
"I should just be grateful it wasn't worse."
These thoughts can create shame and guilt around our own experiences, leading to a hesitancy talking about them or seeking support. It's important to recognize that trauma is not a competition. There is no "worst trauma" that invalidates all other experiences.
The concept of "both/and," which is central to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), is particularly helpful here. DBT teaches us that two seemingly contradictory things can be true at the same time. In the context of trauma, this means that:
Someone else's trauma can BOTH be incredibly severe AND your trauma is still valid.
You can BOTH acknowledge the pain of others AND honour your own suffering.
You can BOTH be grateful for what you have AND still feel hurt by what you've experienced.
By embracing the "both/and" mindset, we can begin to release comparison and give ourselves permission to feel our emotions, no matter how "small" or "big" our trauma seems to us.
You can BOTH acknowledge the pain of others AND honour your own suffering
Journal Prompts to Explore this Belief
Exploring the thought that "my trauma isn't valid" thought through journaling can be a helpful way to let go of this belief. We’ve provided a number of questions to reflect on, but don't get too hung up on following our prompts directly. Rather, using these as a starting place to help you explore and get curious about your beliefs, where they come from and how you want to move forward.
Where Did This Belief Come From?
Reflect on when you first started believing that your trauma isn’t as valid as others’. Was there a specific event or person that influenced this belief?
How have societal messages or cultural norms played a role in shaping this belief for you?
What were you taught about pain and suffering growing up? Were you encouraged to minimize your feelings or compare your struggles to others?
How Does This Belief Impact Me?
How does believing that your trauma isn’t valid affect your day-to-day life? Consider your emotions, self-esteem, and relationships.
When you minimize your trauma, how does it influence your ability to seek help or support? Do you feel less deserving of care?
How does this belief affect your healing journey? Does it create barriers to fully processing and understanding your experiences?
What Would Happen If I Let Go of This Belief?
Imagine what your life would be like if you no longer believed that your trauma wasn’t valid. How might your self-perception change?
What benefits might you experience if you allowed yourself to fully acknowledge and validate your trauma, without comparison?
What fears come up when you think about letting go of this belief? Are there worries about what it might mean to fully embrace your own pain?
Do I Want to Hold On to This Belief?
What do you gain from holding onto the belief that your trauma isn’t as important? Is it serving you in any way, or is it holding you back?
How might your life change if you chose to release this belief and embraced the idea that all trauma is valid, including your own?
What steps can you take to start challenging this belief in your everyday life?
What Would Self-Compassion Say?
If you were to approach your trauma with self-compassion, what would that voice say about your experiences? How would it validate your pain and encourage you to honor your journey?
What are some compassionate statements you can remind yourself of when you start to feel that your trauma isn’t valid?
How can you practice self-compassion daily to reinforce the idea that your pain matters, regardless of what others have experienced?
Your trauma is a wound and all wounds deserve care, healing and nurturing. Even taking the time to read this article shows that parts of you knows the impact of your trauma and KNOWS that you deserve care and love regardless of how “big” you tell yourself it was.
If you need extra support navigating your trauma, consider reaching out to our team of therapists. We offer in-person and online trauma counselling in Kamloops; we're here to help you see your trauma is valid and your healing matters.
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